Views around marriage are changing but proposals are still largely considered a man’s job.
Traditional views around marriage are changing. In 2021 in England and Wales, more babies were born to unmarried than married parents for the first time. And many women keep their own surname rather than changing it to their husband’s when they tie the knot. But wedding proposals are still considered a man’s job.
Nevertheless, some women do choose to propose to their male partner. In our research, we investigated their experiences, exploring their choice and looking to understand why so few women take this step. We interviewed 21 women who had proposed and studied social media conversations on the topic.
Of the 21 women we interviewed, the majority had a positive experience. One was rejected, and one realised her partner – who had said yes – was telling everyone that he had done the proposing.
In this instance, the woman in our study proposed because her partner said he was a feminist and she thought he would appreciate her asking. But his reclaiming of the narrative exposed how uncomfortable he was with it, and the whole relationship fell apart.
Even if this account is not representative of the sample, it shows something relevant: women proposing are doing something extravagant, unusual, and while they might not be openly condemned, they are still breaking a taboo in contemporary wedding rituals.
While the women in our study received a lot of support from people they were close to, they all experienced some form of rejection or negative judgement. They were told that they were emasculating their male partners, or that they had spoiled the magic of a proposal.
Women often choose not to propose because they are caught in a double bind. Women are socialised into dreaming about getting married, with the proposal as the pinnacle of romance – but they are judged if they take the initiative. This reproduces the stereotype that women are “always ready” to settle down, while men are not, and this is why the male partner is expected to show commitment.
Women who propose are often driven by feelings of gender equality, but their efforts in changing the scripts often confirm the dominance of existing, sexist marriage rituals.
womensagenda