These days in Australia, a new form of post-separation living has become popular, which might seem a bit strange at first. The idea is that after divorce, instead of shuttling the children between two homes every week, the parents do the moving themselves. The children stay in the main house, with their own room, toys, school, and neighborhood friends. It’s the parents who take turns coming and going. For example, for one week the father lives in the main house and looks after the children while the mother lives elsewhere, and the next week it’s the opposite.
Elizabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, confirms that a growing number of Australian couples are exploring this option. Two main reasons seem to drive this trend. First and foremost, it preserves the children’s peace and psychological stability. Family lawyer Gabriela Pomare says that amid the biggest upheaval of their lives, children have at least one constant: their own home. The school doesn’t change, friends aren’t forgotten, and that cozy corner of their room, their safe place, remains. The second reason, perhaps more realistic than the first, is the economic crisis and skyrocketing housing costs in Australia. Rent has become so high that many couples can’t afford to finance two separate homes. This method allows them to keep the main house unsold and split the costs.
But this seemingly ideal method isn’t all roses in practice. Family experts warn that this approach works more as a temporary solution for a few months. Dr. Sophie Jacobi gives an interesting example in Psychology Today. She says divorce is hard enough; now imagine opening the door on your day and seeing that your ex has left dirty spoons in the sink again, left toothpaste smeared on the faucet, and placed the remote control somewhere you can’t find no matter how hard you look. Those same small annoying behaviors that might have only caused a brief frown during the marriage can now, in a finished relationship, turn into a bomb of anger and frustration.
Pomare says, “I’ve seen more failures than successes with this method.” When a parent enters a new romantic relationship, simply having to interact with their ex in the same home injects more stress into the children’s lives instead of stability. Even worse, experts emphasize that this method is absolutely unsuitable for families with a history of domestic violence or severe control, because parents moving in and out of one home can create an opportunity for ongoing harassment.
The experts’ conclusion is that this method is only useful as a temporary solution, perhaps for the first three to six months of separation, and only if the parents can behave like dry, respectful business colleagues. It can help children gradually get used to the new concept of life. But as a permanent lifestyle, today’s psychology is not optimistic. The idea of keeping children in their home is lovely. But expecting parents to come and go like perpetual guests in their former home without exchanging harsh words seems somewhat unrealistic.
ABC News