A young woman, frustrated by her prolonged single status, sought guidance from religious scholar Hojatoleslam Shahab Moradi. Despite her impressive qualifications and strong faith, she struggled to find a suitable match. Her heartfelt plea highlighted the challenges faced by many single women, particularly those with high standards and expectations. In response, Moradi offered eight practical recommendations, emphasizing the importance of balance, realistic expectations, and proactive steps.
On the occasion of Singles’ Day
What’s Singles’ Day
Singles’ Day, also known as Double Eleven, originated in 1993 at Nanjing University in China. Four single students chose November 11th as a day to celebrate their single status, as the date consists of four “1”s, symbolizing four single individuals. The holiday quickly spread across Chinese universities and eventually into mainstream culture.
Seeking Guidance in Marriage
This young woman stated in her letter, “I am a 37-year-old single woman, with the highest degree from the best university in the country, and a very good job with financial independence. I live with my elderly parents, and we have a middle to lower-class family. We are a religious and committed family, and I have never behaved in a way that would be considered showy in my speech, appearance, or actions…”
“Since high school, I have had suitors but have not gotten married for the following reasons:
- At first, I said I wanted to go to university and turned them down.
- Later, I turned them down for childish reasons.
- A few years later, I thought more seriously about marriage, but many of them did not meet my main and important criteria.
- There were also cases where they themselves did not follow up.
- As I got older, the number of suitors decreased.”
“Now I feel very lonely and really need the emotional connection that comes with marriage, but I cannot compromise on my criteria, the most important of which are faith, personality, ethics, cultural compatibility, age appropriateness, and to some extent, education, being single, and having a good family.”
“Please advise me on what to do. As a woman, I cannot take the initiative and look for a husband myself, and even my pride does not allow me to ask anyone around me, for example, if they know of a suitable match. What about my self-esteem? So what should I do?”
“I also don’t consider online matchmaking to be a correct and reasonable thing to do, given its potential consequences, although I have thought about it a few times out of desperation… What do you think? In any case, tell me what to do?”
Hojatoleslam Moradi’s 8 Recommendations to Solve the Problem
After examining this young woman’s problems, Hojatoleslam Shahab Moradi, considering that many people face similar issues, offered eight solutions. In part of these recommendations, he completed his practical advice with an innovative style by suggesting a few dialogues, which is interesting to read.
- Your concern about the delay in marriage is wise and logical.
- Undoubtedly, marriage is important, but it is certainly not everything! Do not let the worry about this issue disrupt your entire life. Choose health over a single woman with emotional and psychological problems. There are many people who get married at an older age and have successful marriages. If you feel unpleasant or have disturbing thoughts, and hopelessness or feelings of depression, which you mentioned more in the previous message, prevents you from functioning and disrupts your peace of mind, be sure to consult a religious counselor.
- Perhaps one of the reasons for the lack of suitors, given your circumstances, is your high level of education and good social position, and their concern about your high expectations, which is not unreasonable, and even some potential suitors may feel inferior in such circumstances towards a woman with your educational and social status.
Reassessing Expectations
- It is necessary, considering your age and current circumstances, to review all your criteria, standards, and tastes again, and while maintaining the basics of your criteria and standards, even adjust and update some of your tastes. For example, based on your criteria 20 years ago, your suitor today, with an age difference of 4-3 years, should be 41-40 years old and definitely single. But firstly, this criterion is not realistic for a 37-year-old woman today! Secondly, the probability of personal problems for a 40-year-old single man is much higher than a 40-year-old man who has experienced divorce.
- Easily share your updated version of criteria and standards during your conversations with friends, relatives, and acquaintances, and do not ignore their role as introducers. It is clear that I do not mean to confide in ill-wishers and enemies!
Subtle Signaling
- Indirectly express your non-opposition to marriage in your conversations. For example, talk about a suitor whom you rejected due to his non-prayerfulness, and implement number 5 with a dialogue like this: “I talked to him for a couple of sessions, he was a respectable man, and I had no problem with his age. He was about 13 years older than me, but unfortunately, he was not a prayerful person and expressed disbelief. So I rejected him,” or “He was a respectable suitor, although he had the experience of one marriage and divorce, but I didn’t have much of a problem with that issue, but the main issue was that he made inappropriate statements about drinking alcohol and said he couldn’t promise to never drink alcohol again. Well, drinking alcohol is a serious red line. So I rejected him.” You can express two or three of these statements, and if there is no example, express it in a way that is not at all false or fabricated. This way: “I have no problem with marriage, but I ask you, if a girl in my situation had a suitor who, God forbid, was a drinker and was not willing to repent, should that girl accept? – If your conversation partner boldly says: Yes, she should accept, and gives reasons and justifications, you should firmly say: No, the Messenger of God (peace be upon him and his family) has explicitly forbidden such a marriage,” and so on.
Seeking Professional Help
- Consider it necessary and essential for yourself to consult a counselor for a final positive or negative response to a suitor. Pay attention, even a negative response. And it is very economical for your counselor to be stable, a believer, and successful and happy in terms of marriage and family.
- Don’t neglect prayer and supplication. Ask God to grant you a suitable and worthy spouse who is worthy of you. Supplication and vow to Imam Hadi (peace be upon him) is effective for the matter of marriage. Make a vow to him.
From: Jahanbanou.ir